Monthly Archives: January 2011

What Defines You?

Posted on January 27, 2011 by Mary| 5 Comments

There are few things in life that have the ability to unite people the way music can.  Sometimes even the way we first get to know people is through music.

I believe this is especially evident in people around my age group—specifically on college campuses. Freshmen year of college, the first few days of living with a new roommate can be awkward, so a common thing to do is to turn on music to fill the silence.  A conversation begins, “Oh you like this band?  You should check out this other group I have.”  For many, music is the beginning of friendship.

This is of course a positive thing; but sometimes I think we can use music as a cop-out to not be completely who we are.  We can hide behind music and let ourselves be defined by the music we listen to.  I personally think this is a kind of sad reality of our generation.  It’s awesome that you were the first of your friends to discover the latest indie-band, but in the end…what does it really matter?

It is one thing to identify with the lyrics or message of a song; it is another thing entirely to feel that the entire meaning of your life is encapsulated within a 3-minute melody.  But this is something we do.  I know I am guilty of it.  I will hear a lyric that really hits home at a specific moment in my life.  A break-up is a great example of this.   Your heart feels like it was trampled on the floor…you think that no one can understand the pain you’re going through when suddenly, just at the right moment, a song on your iTunes shuffle sums up exactly what you’re going through so perfectly and succinctly…and only in a few rhyming words.  It’s cathartic.  It’s beautiful.  It’s healthy even.

But then I take it a little too far…

Instead of identifying with the line for a brief moment in time, I’ll listen to it over and over again, until before I know it (or really realize what I am doing), it is no longer I recognizing myself in a song, but the song dictating the way I am acting and viewing myself and my situation.  I get stuck in a rut of sadness and borderline despair and wonder why my life isn’t getting any better.

We are a funny generation, because on the one hand we acknowledge the great power music has to influence the culture, but on the other hand we sometimes deny the effect it can have on each of our individual lives.

We can’t listen to music without being affected by it to some degree.  So we need to use discretion when listening to music.  It’s not that everyone who listens to angry rap music is going to go hold up their local AM PM; but the ideas and themes in the songs we listen to do affect us.  To think that listening and rocking out to a song that speaks about women in an offensive manner won’t affect the way you view women is illogical.  Just like the compulsive liar who ends up not being able to discern between even his own truth and lies, neither will we be able to keep a strong hold on our convictions if we constantly listen to music that celebrates going against them.

This of course implies that we have deeply-held convictions in the first place.  What are yours?  Where did they come from?  Think about it.  Decide for yourself.  Don’t let the culture and the music you listen to decide for you.

Posted in Pop Culture, Youthful Antics

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What I have learned from my friends…

Posted on January 25, 2011 by Mary| Leave a comment

To tell the truth, I haven’t always been the best at being a friend.  I even used to think that I could get by without really having close friends at all.  I enjoy time to myself, and close relationships are kind of scary, so it was easy to tell myself I could do without close friendships.  But experience (and Philosophy class) has taught me otherwise.  We need friends in our lives.  Most people seem to know that this is true, but fewer people really understand the reason why.

Friends are there to help us become better people.  They do this by helping us think clearly.  The true friend knows who we are; he understands the way we think, and so he is able to help us come to conclusions we could not see on our own.

In a way, this is contrary to what a lot of people my age seem to think about friends.  We think friends are there to “watch our back” or to save us from our boredom.  In reality, a lot of our “friendships” do the exact opposite of helping us think clearly.

I have had my share of both good and bad friendships, so I thought I would draw from my own experience and put together a list of some of the qualities I have found to be most necessary in a true friend (and most lacking in a bad friend).

1.)  The true friend talks to you about things that matter

Talking about the weather is nice, and I love a good conversation about last night’s episode of Modern Family, but these aren’t the conversations I most look forward to having with my friends.  My closest friends are the people I can talk to seriously about what my goals for the future are, what I am struggling with, or go to for advice on any number of topics.  We may joke around and talk about trivial things at times as well, but a real friend tends to elevate the conversation.

2.)  A friend has no problem calling you out

I am the biggest baby when it comes to any type of criticism.  My feelings get hurt and I may become upset and defensive with the person giving the feedback, but this doesn’t stop my closest friends from calling it like they see it.  Despite how I may initially react, I am so thankful for this.  The real friend isn’t worried about hurting your ego a little bit if it means you seeing the truth.

3.)  Friends don’t ask or expect you to lie for their sake

Sometimes it takes losing a relationship in order to be a real friend.  The true friend won’t agree to lie in order to cover for someone else, even if asked.  Lying is damaging to us on so many levels.  The truth always comes out eventually, and a lot of hurt can usually be avoided if it comes out sooner rather than later.

4.)  Finally, the true friend is striving to be a good person himself

You can’t expect someone to be a good friend if they are not a good person.  The true friend will help you become a better person, so it follows that someone who is not a good person already can’t help you to become one yourself.  Friendships involve a give and take.  We both learn from our friends as well as teach them.  Make sure you are learning from teachers who know what they are talking about.

Getting Rid of a Bad Friend:

So what do you do if you find yourself in a friendship that is not good for you?  You run.

Aristotle says that getting rid of a bad friend is like getting rid of a bad habit.  And anyone who has tried knows that getting rid of a bad habit is extremely difficult.  In a similar way, getting rid of a friendship, especially one that has been a part of us for so long, can feel as excruciating as cutting off an arm that has been infected with gangrene.   But you really have no other option.  If you don’t amputate, the infection will spread throughout the whole body and eventually will cost you your life.

Finding a Good Friend:

Also as with habits, it is not enough to simply try and get rid of the bad friendship.  You have to replace it with a good friendship.  Otherwise, you will fall back into the old one.  We have to be picky about choosing our friends.  We can’t be so naive as to think the people we spend our time with have no effect on us.  So in choosing your friends, look for people who have the characteristics described above.  Look for people who challenge you to be a better person.

Posted in Other Rants

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A Challenge for the Weekend

Posted on January 20, 2011 by Mary| 1 Comment

Here’s the deal:

This weekend I am going up to San Francisco with a group of college students from my school.  I have a favor to ask of all of you beginning now up until the time I come home on Saturday night.

The reason I am going to San Fran is for the 7th annual Walk for Life.  Now before you tune out because you think I’m am just going to rant on for the next few paragraphs about the injustices of abortion, hear me out.

Yes, I do think abortion is wrong and I am going up to be a part of the Walk for Life for that reason.  But there is something else going on that I think people on both sides of the abortion issue can agree is wrong.  I am talking about the issue of extreme media bias when it comes to coverage of Anti-abortion events in the news.

In recent years, as many as 300,000 pro-life advocates have shown up at the March for Life in Washington D.C. in peaceful protest of the abortion laws in this country.  Following on the heels of the success of the DC March, the west-coast Walk for Life was started in San Francisco seven years ago.  Last year, an estimated 30,000 people were in attendance.

These are both obviously huge events.  So why don’t more people outside of those in anti-abortion circles hear about them?  It’s simple, really.  The media chooses not to cover them (or to falsify accounts of the truth of what actually happens).

There are numerous examples of this media fraud.  As stated above, in 2009, there were over 350,000 people at the March in D.C.  However, USA Today reported the number in attendance simply as “thousands”.  Most news sites that covered the March gave protesters on both sides (Pro-Abort and Anti-Abort) equal billing.  This seems to imply that there was equal representation from each side present at the March, when in reality the number of those present that were against abortion far exceeded the number of those in favor of the current abortion laws.

In my opinion, the most telling example of media bias when it comes to coverage of the Anti-Abortion events in January came from a Newsweek.com blog last year titled, “Who’s Missing at the ‘Roe v. Wade’ Anniversary Demonstrations? Young Women.” The article simply lies about the lack of women present at these events  (in reality, women make up the majority), and even makes the claim that the majority of those in the walk are over 60.  The truth is that these events attract throngs of youth.  The Youth Rally following the March in D.C. is so successful they have had to turn people away because it got so crowded.

Clearly, this is a problem.  A massive protest is held and, if it gets any media attention at all (big “if”), it is usually reports of lies or misleading information.

How You Can Help:

Here is the good news: We are no longer living in the days when the media was run by a few top papers and news channels.  With social media tools like Facebook and Twitter, the real voice of the people can be heard.  So this is where I need you.

I am bringing my iPhone with me on the Walk for Life.  I will be updating my Twitter feed with pictures, quotes, and any other news from the Walk in San Francisco.  If you have a Twitter account, retweet my posts to all of your followers.  If you have a Facebook or a blog of your own, share this link so that others will hear what the mainstream media refuses to talk about.

Surprise your Facebook friends and Twitter followers this weekend.  Instead of posting about what your plans for the night are, I challenge each and every one of you reading this to speak up.  It doesn’t matter which side of the abortion issue you may find yourself on; this is an injustice we can’t stand for.

Posted in Other Rants

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Maturity

Posted on January 18, 2011 by Mary| Leave a comment

I have noticed that a favorite question of mine to ask people when there is a lull in conversation is “what are you thinking?”

I find this hilarious, because I know I get it from my mom, who would ask me that question every day in the car on the way home from school.  The most aggravating thing about it was that she would never take “nothing” for an answer.

“Nothing??”  she’d ask in disbelief,  “How can you be thinking nothing?  You must be thinking something!”

And she always found a way to get it out of me.  Growing up, I had no secrets from my mom (which also meant I had no secrets from my dad, because she would tell him everything I said).

I know to a lot of people this sounds absolutely awful.  Being completely transparent with parents is just not something we do.  Everyone keeps stuff from their parents, right?

Well I am not claiming to be a perfect child by any means.  I have most definitely made mistakes when it comes to my relationship with my parents.  But those mistakes, along with the times I did the right thing, taught me that it is always so much better to be honest and upfront with your parents.  I have found two main reasons for this:

1.) Living two different lives is exhausting.

Most people my age keep their parents on a “need-to-know” basis at best.  They may not lie to their parents, but they reveal as little about themselves as humanly possible when they do interact.

I have tried this approach to a relationship with my parents on occasion and, quite frankly, I hated it.  It is nice not having to censor myself around my parents.  It makes life easier; and I’m not constantly trying to cover up lies or keep a story straight.  The same Mary that my friends know is the same Mary my parents know.

2.) Contrary to what we may think, our parents actually give really good advice.

It sucks to admit because I know that I, at least, like to think I know everything, and that my situation is “so much different” from anything my parents ever went through.  Truthfully though, that is usually not the case.  And I can’t say how many times I have had to learn the hard way what I could have learned simply by listening to the advice of my parents from the start.

Conclusion:

Real relationships are scary—especially when they are with someone as close as a parent.  Real relationships change you as a person, for better or for worse.  A parent, because they love you, will usually work to change you for the better.  But change is scary, and it is hard work.  I think we tend to shrug off our relationship with our parents because we don’t want to have to acknowledge our shortcomings or work on our problems.  But this is exactly why we have parents.  They are there to help us become better people.

I think the truly mature adult is not someone who foolishly thinks he or she “doesn’t need” parents to tell him or her what to do.  The mature adult recognizes what a gift parents are and respects them.

Posted in Other Rants

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Letting Go

Posted on January 13, 2011 by Mary| Leave a comment

Last weekend, I got to go up to mountains and play in the snow.  While the guys engaged in a snowball fight and the kids went sledding down the hill, I decided to put most of my energy into building a snowman.

I’ve never been particularly good at making snowmen.  This should come as no surprise, since as a Southern California resident, the most I am exposed to the element of snow in any given year is usually no more than a day or two.  However, for some reason this weekend, I was determined.  I got a clump of snow and just started rolling it.  Before I knew it, the small clump of snow that began no bigger than my two hands clasped together had rolled into this giant ball that took three of us to effectively push uphill.

Now I apologize to those of you who have grown up around a lot of snow, but to me, this whole concept of the snowball was amazing.  It started out so easy and took almost no effort, but as I rolled and it gathered more snow, I began to sweat underneath the weight of it.  It was almost counter-intuitive, because as I expelled more and more energy into moving this giant ball of ice, it became harder and harder to budge.

I learned this weekend that my strength is no match for snowballs.  I could be the strongest person in the world, and while that may yield a bigger snowball than your average person can make, the snowball would still eventually beat me.

When it comes to snowballs, or to problems that spiral out of our control, the very strength that we think we are using to help us ends up being the main cause of the problem we are trying to eradicate.  Sometimes you just have to let the snowball go.

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