Ask Mary: “Lost & Confused”


I’ve been in a serious relationship for almost the last two years. I love him, and I always will. Though no matter what he says, his actions don’t match. We have been through a lot together, and I mean a lot. He has told me from the time we decided we were going to be “officially” together that he wanted to support me raise a family and somewhat live happily ever after. Though in these two years his words don’t match his actions. He keeps saying ” I swear things are going to get better” or ” I’ll change baby, you’ll see. Every thing will be okay”… But it doesn’t change, and its not getting better.
I’m tired of always being stressed, having migraines, also stomach aches due to being so stressed. But because of all the things we have been through and the fact that we have a child, It making me feel like I should keep trying to believe him. Despite what all my friends and family say. I really wish that he would get it. Wake up in the early morning instead of at 1pm, To get ready and look for a job. Though he doesn’t and it’s still the same.
I want to believe him. At the same time I don’t see it happening any times soon.
Our child is now almost one. He still hasn’t made any progress in life. He started school. Which is only two days a week and says he’s stressed.

Do I follow my heart or listen to the logical reasoning going on in my head….
Please help…
Lost and confused

Dear Lost and Confused,

First of all, I want to say how much respect I have for you for putting the hard work that you have into your relationship and into your family.  I believe you when you say that you and your boyfriend have been through “a lot”, and I do not doubt your love for each other.

In a perfect world, our emotions would line up with our logical reasoning all the time.  Better said: our emotions would be ruled by our logical reasoning.  We would only fall in love with the people that it “made sense” to fall in love with.

Unfortunately in human practice, it doesn’t always work this way.  Our emotions are all out of whack and, more often than not, it is our emotions that end up in control of our logical reasoning instead of the other way around.

I think deep down as women, we all know we are supposed to be with a guy who will do absolutely anything for us—a guy who can’t imagine a world in which he doesn’t have us.  It’s why we pay money over and over again to see thousands of movies with essentially the same storyline: Boy will stop at absolutely nothing to win the heart of Girl.

But in our own lives we sometimes settle for less than this.  And I’m no exception.

I was once in a relationship with this really great guy.  He had such a good heart, and I always had the best times with him.  After a little while of getting to know each other, I fell completely head over heels for him.

When we were together, he always paid lip service to the fact that he loved me and wanted to be the guy that would do anything for me.  Unfortunately his actions didn’t always match up.  To this day, I really do believe that he wanted to love me the way I needed to be loved, but the sad truth was that he just couldn’t.  And neither of us really wanted to see that, especially not me.

I wish I could say that I sat down calmly, looked at the situation rationally, and made a logical decision based off of the facts in front of me.  I think that’s what a mature adult would have done.  …But that’s not what I did.  I chose the hard way.  I ignored my reason along with the advice of a handful of people who care about me a lot.  In the end, I think my chosen course of action led us both, my ex-boyfriend and I, through a lot more pain and heartache than was necessary.  And it was all in the name of “following my heart”.

I tell you that story not to claim in any way that you are in the same situation I was in.  You’re not; and this is a decision that you can only make for yourself.  I wanted to tell you that story to show you why it is important to listen to your logical reasoning.  It doesn’t mean that your emotions are bad, but they should not be what control you.  Emotions can change from day to day, but reason is the same.  What reason says is true today will still be true tomorrow and forever.  Decisions should make sense.

I really encourage you to talk about this with your boyfriend; especially since you two do have a child together.  Even more importantly, I encourage you to pray with your boyfriend (as well as each of you individually) about this decision.  God is the one who created you with reason, so He wants you to use it and He will help you use it if you ask Him.  In the end, make the decision that gives you true peace within yourself.

Peace doesn’t mean it will be easy, but if you have peace then you have confidence, even when it is hard, that you have made the right decision.