Monthly Archives: March 2011

Time Out

Posted on March 31, 2011 by Mary| Leave a comment

Hi Everyone!

I’m gone on a retreat for the weekend, please take this moment to say a quick prayer for me, and everyone else participating, that we may be open to receive what God has prepared for us this weekend.  Also know that I am praying for all of you and I apologize that this is the only post you’ll get from me today :)

…but just because I can’t resist: Remember that even if you may not be physically retreating from the hustle and bustle of your daily activities this weekend, you can at least take a few minutes out of your busy schedule each day to reflect on your life and what God is doing in it.  You would be surprised what just 5 minutes a day can do.

Oh!  And also, if you are a college-aged student (18-25) living in the Southern California area (or feel like taking a road trip this weekend), check out the 242 Revolution Conference this Saturday, April 2.  You don’t want to miss it!

Have a good end to your week!

Posted in Other Rants, You & God

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Ask Mary – Complicated Relationship

Posted on March 29, 2011 by Mary| Leave a comment

Dear Mary,

As a christian, I feel like people should be given second chances. That we should see the good in people despite their past mistakes. But when do we draw the line in the forgiveness?
I have had a complicated friendship with a guy for a bout a year, which briefly turned into a relationship that ended badly. He just can’t seem to make up his mind and decide what he wants. He has always been good to me and seems to genuinely care about me, but still seems to be attached to his ex. He seems to want the best of both worlds and keeps managing to pull me back into the complicated friendship.
Despite everything that has happened, I still care for him and have hope for the future. But at what point do I stop being the bigger person in the situation and move on from the past, even though I still enjoy hanging out with him?
sincerely,
undecided heart

 

Undecided,

So sorry to hear you are going through this.  Relationships sometimes can seem so complicated, when in reality they are not supposed to be complicated at all.  Our feelings get all tangled up and we don’t want to leave, so we call it “friendship,” but a real friend wouldn’t be doing this to you.

In truth, I don’t believe that guys and girls can be really close friends without it meaning anything more.  Sure I have my guy friends I can talk to from time to time, but I don’t have guys who are just “friends” that I chat with for hours on the internet, over texting, or late into the night on the phone.  Actually, I don’t even really have girlfriends I do that with on a regular basis :P   That’s because this is the behavior of a romantic relationship, and if your “friend” is letting the two of you do these things and calling it anything less, he is playing games and you need to call him out on it.

Should you forgive your friend for hurting you in the past?  Absolutely.  But should you give him an unmerited chance to do it again?  Probably not.

My advice is this: Be honest with him.  You can’t be just friends, and the complications and heartache of the last year should be evidence of that for you.  What you need from this guy is either hard-and-fast commitment, or for him to be out of your life completely—none of this in between stuff that makes you wait for him to make up his mind.  There is a difference between genuinely caring about you and wanting to genuinely care about you.  If he genuinely cared, he would recognize what this back and forth is doing to you and put an end to it either by committing to you or walking away.  Maybe he isn’t capable of genuinely caring about you the way you are supposed to be cared for right now.  Could that change in the future?  Sure.  But until there is evidence of that and he is willing and able to actually give you what you need, it is probably best to get out of the situation.

I’m not telling you to hate him or hold anything against him.  Sometimes being the bigger person means recognizing that a situation is not doing either of you any long-term good, and having the courage to walk away for both of your sakes.

Posted in Ask Mary, Dating & Relationships

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Taylor Swift vs. Batman

Posted on March 24, 2011 by Mary| 1 Comment

There is a song on Taylor Swift’s most recent album that has been playing in my head since I heard it on the radio last week.  It’s called “Innocent” and it’s all about moving on from past mistakes and not letting your regrets define you.  I think the theme of the song is summed up in the following lyric:

“Who you are is not what you did.  You’re still an innocent”

The song itself isn’t a musical masterpiece in my opinion, but I do like the message of starting over.  Still, for some reason, every time I hear that lyric I think of Batman.  (…huh?)  Yep, Batman.  There is a line in the movie, Batman Begins, when, echoing the earlier sentiments of his love-interest, Rachel, Batman says that,

“It’s not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me.”

These two lines have me in a pickle, because I see validity in both of them and they kind of seem to be saying opposite things.

I remember hearing the line from Batman for the first time and loving it.  I still love it, because we have a tendency to try to excuse our faults and wrongdoings, or the wrongdoings of another, by simply making the claim, “Well I’m still a good person on the inside,” or, “Yeah I know she did all of those terrible things but deep down she is a really good person.”  Well I’m sorry; you can say all you want about your own personal character, but when it comes right down to it, you are what you do.  If you kill an innocent person, we are all going to call you a murderer no matter how good of a heart you claim to have on the inside.

Yet I still think that Swift is right in that we have to be careful not to define anyone merely by his or her actions.  As a Christian, I believe that what gives us our dignity and value as human beings is not some great act of charity or hugely successful career.  We are beings created in the image and likeness of God, our creator.  Our very existence gives our lives value.  And the crazy part?  That value can never be taken away, no matter what we do.

So in defense of Batman, I think he would acknowledge that every life has value no matter where they have been.  The tricky part is recognizing our own inherent value without using it as a “get-out-of-jail-free card” to excuse us of our mistakes.  If we all truly knew what great value we possessed just by the mere fact of our existence, we wouldn’t hurt others or ourselves in the way we do now by our wrongdoings; and Taylor Swift and Batman wouldn’t need to be having this debate :)

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Posted in Other Rants, Pop Culture

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Legally Drunk?

Posted on March 22, 2011 by Mary| 1 Comment

A girl I went to high school with joked once that she wanted me to call her when I got drunk for the first time.  It was a joke because the thought of me ever being drunk was just that outrageous (I was kind of a goody-two-shoes I guess).  It wasn’t that I never had the opportunity to drink or get drunk; it’s just that it has never been something that sounded appealing to me.

This past Sunday was my 21st birthday, and like a lot of people on their 21st, I went out to get a drink at midnight with some of my siblings and friends—just because I could.

Arriving at a local bar, I got IDed, and I’m not gonna lie, I felt pretty cool being admitted.  It was like being initiated into some sort of exclusive club—if only what awaited me on the inside of the doors lived up to the hype…

There is a certain fascination with alcohol that a lot of people around my age seem to have.  My age group seems almost to live for it sometimes, especially in college.  We can’t wait for the weekends to go out and party (in fact, a lot of people don’t wait for the weekends, and getting drunk is something that happens on any given week night as well).  I’ve always thought this was stupid and frankly just childish.  Because of this and because of the fact that I didn’t drink before I turned 21, a lot of people think I am against drinking alcohol, which isn’t the case at all.  I just reject the dominant culture of my age group that says that you absolutely need alcohol in order to have a good time.

Growing up, my parents never really had alcohol around the house.  My mom doesn’t much like the taste of it; and when my three older brothers were young, my dad made a deal with them that he wouldn’t drink until they all were legally old enough to drink alcohol.  As a result, I’ve never associated alcohol with some false sense of maturity or “coolness”.  In fact, it became kind of a turn-off to me when people would use alcohol as a way to fit in or feel more confident in themselves.  And when you’re underage, I can’t honestly think of any other reason to start drinking if not to fit in or feel cool.

Alcoholism runs in my family, which is another reason why my parents took the alcohol issue so seriously when us kids were growing up.  My mom always said that, as a parent, you might think you’re doing right by your kids by allowing them to drink in the “controlled environment” of the home, but you never know which of your children could end up having a problem with alcohol through no fault of their own.  Adolescence is hard enough without introducing an alcohol problem into the mix.

Back to my 21st …  I didn’t have the typical drunken birthday that I think everyone expects a 21 year old to have.  The drink the bartender mixed for me at midnight was nasty.  I could only handle a few sips before I decided it just wasn’t worth the effort.  The next day I went out for lunch at a winery with my family and some friends and did enjoy a glass of wine.  All in all though, the best part of turning 21 for me was the best part of any birthday—getting to spend it with family and close friends that care about me.

Posted in Youthful Antics

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Overcoming Faults

Posted on March 17, 2011 by Mary| Leave a comment

I write a lot about this desire we all have inside of us to be great, and that answering that call to greatness means not settling for anything less.  I think this is a message people my age really need to hear, and that more of us should strive to answer this call to greatness.

But what about when we fail?  What about those times when we don’t even have the will to try to be great anymore?  What about those times when we prefer the comfort of our mediocrity, or worse, we prefer the allure of things we know will ultimately be bad for us?

It is easy to make the blanket statement that we need to get back up after those times we fall; that no matter how far we have fallen or no matter how long it has been, we are still called to be great.  But what does that really mean for someone in his or her weakest, most vulnerable, most hopeless moment?  How do you find the courage to be great after a period of days, weeks, months, or even years of being nothing short of pitiful?

I think you start by admitting your shortcomings.  It is nothing short of false to think that those who are called great have no faults or weaknesses of their own.  The only difference between a great person and a small person is that a great person acknowledges his or her weaknesses, thereby making them a source of strength.

No soldier would approach a battle by himself, hidden in the darkness.  Yet this is exactly how we face our greatest struggles.  When we hide the things we struggle with, when we try to sweep them under the rug and act like they are not there, we end up becoming enslaved to them.  We are not only concerned with beating them; we are also concerned that no one else sees the fight. Like the soldier in the battle, we need to face our enemies in the light of day, and with the help of our fellow soldiers, our friends.

It is these friends we surround ourselves with that will give us the desire to keep fighting when we get tired, or when we start to think that greatness is too high a goal.  The good friend will remind us that there is no such thing as a mediocre soldier; the mediocre soldier has two choices: be killed or become great.

So when you fall or you get tired, reach out to those people who care most about you and ask for help.  Think no one cares about you?  Think again.  If you really can’t think of anyone, use the contact form and send me a message, because I care about you.  Really, I do.  We all need help.  No one becomes great on his own.

Posted in Other Rants, You & God

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