Monthly Archives: April 2012

Living in God’s Presence

Posted on April 24, 2012 by Mary| 2 Comments

As the aunt of nine nieces and nephews (with another niece and another nephew on the way, I might add), I find myself surrounded by little children a lot.  I also happen to be blessed by the example of each of their parents (AKA – my brothers and sisters) as they seek to raise their children in holiness.  I see a lot of teaching the little ones to pray before meals and before bed; of leading by example and showing them the importance of mass, or of the great gift we have to just sit in the physical presence of God in the Tabernacle or in Eucharistic Adoration.  I watch as my brothers and sisters share with my nieces and nephews the stories of the Patriarchs of the Old Testament and, of course, the story of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.  And all of this, upon first glance, appears to be a sort of training for my nieces and nephews in the art of Christian living.  And in a very real and important sense, that is exactly what it is.

But something occurred to me last week as I watched my sister-in-law play with my niece in the backyard while they listened to the “Kids’ Christian Music Station” on the radio.

“This is my niece’s life,” I thought.  The Faith, to her, is not some lofty ideology, or a discipline studied in the classroom between the hours of 8am and 3pm.  It’s the air she breathes—24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  The idea that there could even be the possibility of a life lived outside of God’s presence is simply nonexistent to my niece.

This thought, taken with Jesus’ words in Matthew, “Unless you become like little children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven,”  got me thinking.  Yes, we are never supposed to stop growing in holiness.  Yes, there will always be more we can learn about God because God is infinite and we will never exhaust His mystery.  More importantly though, knowledge of God and of religion is just not the point.  My nieces and nephews aren’t taught about Jesus like they learn the Alphabet, because Jesus isn’t an idea; He’s a person.  The point isn’t to learn the lesson and then log it away for future reference.  The point is to meet a person, and to let that meeting transform you.

We don’t study our way into God’s presence. We are placed there.  Learning is supposed to be what happens in the middle of it.

Posted in You & God

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A Letter to My Readers…

Posted on April 19, 2012 by Mary| 9 Comments

Can I be honest for a second?  My “muse” is missing, and has been for a couple weeks now.  Translation: I feel, and have been feeling, as though I just don’t have anything to say, or at least nothing worth writing down to share with the world wide web.  It’s lame; and it usually means I put off writing until late the night before, waiting for inspiration to strike, and then I usually settle on writing anything— just anything.

I know, I know.  It’s not much of a system; and you would think I’d know better by now, wouldn’t you?

So to those of you who are still reading, and especially to those that write me emails, comments, or Facebook messages the day after a post telling me that it struck a chord, I really want to say thanks.  I would have probably given up writing by now if it weren’t for you.  (But also, let’s face it—anything profound you’re getting from these posts has way more to do with God working in you than with any intentions on my part!)

If this were a real blog post, I’d probably draw from all of this some sort of conclusion about the importance of friends, or of giving words of encouragement to those we meet, or even of the dangers of procrastination, spiritual laziness, or just laziness in general.  But my muse is out for the night, so you’ll have to draw your own conclusions today :)

Oh!  One final thing: I know that the email subscriptions still aren’t working for some reason and I have been getting your emails about that.  I will assign myself the task of getting it fixed one way or another in the next week or so, but for now, any WordPress wizards feel free to contact me if you feel like lending a helping hand.

 

Posted in Other Rants

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Ask Mary: Going to Confession, but…

Posted on April 17, 2012 by Mary| 6 Comments

Question:

I have a confession: I’ve never confessed. I’ve never received the sacrament of reconciliation. I was baptized and confirmed at the age of 19. It was almost two Easters ago but I’ve never gotten up the nerve to go. I couldn’t confess during RCIA because I hadn’t been baptized and now I guess I just don’t know how. And beyond not knowing how, I also don’t know what to confess. I have 21 years of sins and I’m not sure which to tell.

I don’t know how to go about doing it now and I’m a little scared to confess that I’ve never confessed. What should I do? I want to receive the sacrament. I guess I just need help finding the correct way to do it.

 

Answer:

Thanks for the question!

First of all, some good news: you actually only have two years of sins to confess!  Baptism cleanses you from all your past sins, no matter how grievous or how many they number.  So when you do finally go to confession, you don’t actually have to confess every one of your sins since you were born, but only those that you have committed since you were born again in Christ in baptism.  :)

That being said, here are some practical guidelines for going to confession:

Step 1: Get to confession early.  Check the local Catholic Churches’ websites, bulletins, or call the office during the week to find out when they offer confession.  Either choose to go during regularly scheduled confession, or schedule an appointment (even feel free to tell them that you are making your first reconciliation). Depending on the parish, a line may begin to form outside the confessional anywhere between 10-20 minutes before confession actually is scheduled to begin.  Get there early not only to secure your place in line, but to spend some time in prayer and examining your conscience.

Step 2: Examine your conscience.  In your case, you may want to start this process a day or two before.  I recommend writing your sins down (privately of course) so you know that you won’t forget anything (you certainly don’t have to do this, I just personally find that it often helps me.  I can focus on confessing myself well and feeling sorrow for my sins without stressing that I will forget to say something).  Obviously after confession you can tear the list up, burn it, whatever.

What should you be looking for when you examine your conscience?  Sins.  Anything you have intentionally done, or intentionally did not do, that has hurt your relationship with God.  There are many guides for examining your conscience.  Here is an example of one.  The bottom line?  You may not remember each instance you have hurt God since your coming into the Church. But you likely have a few or several that pop into your mind the moment the topic of confession is brought up.  Yes, those need to be confessed.

This is important: You have to confess all of your mortal sins during confession.  If you willfully leave any sins out of your confession, none of your sins from that confession are forgiven, and you have committed a mortal sin by choosing to withhold a sin in confession.  Don’t worry about taking too long, and do not be too embarrassed to confess a sin.  Trust me.  The priest has heard it all (And I guarantee you that you are not the first person who unfortunately waited a couple of years—or more—to go to confession after being baptized).

Step 3:  Go into the confessional.  Depending on the parish, there may be a screen with a kneeler in front of it for you to use as you make your confession, or there may just simply be a chair in front of the priest so that you can make your confession face-to-face.  In many parishes, they have both and you can choose.  It’s entirely personal preference; so choose whichever way you would be most comfortable if you are given the option.

Step 4: Begin your confession.  I like to begin mine the old-fashioned way: “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.  It has been _____ (amount of time) since my last confession.  [insert list of sins here]”  In your case, I would just say, “I’ve actually never been to confession,” or, “I was baptized two years ago and this is my first confession.”  Something to that effect.  Most likely, the priest will help you through it, and don’t be afraid to admit that you’re nervous, or unsure of what to do next.  This is his job.  He will help you.  He wants to help you.

A couple small tips: This is where that list comes in handy.  Make sure you confess your sins in content as well as number (i.e. “I lied 3 times”).  Don’t get too stressed out about the number if you can’t remember.  Even admit that you can’t remember.  “Too many times to count,” or, “a lot” or even, “a handful of times” are acceptable.  What you never want to do is try to make your sins sound like less of a big deal than they are.  This is the sacrament of reconciling ourselves with God.  We need to be genuine; we need to be humble.

Step 5: Conclude your confession.  A few years ago I learned this handy little phrase: “And for these and all my sins I am sorry.”  Bam. A magical way of saying, “yes Father, those were all of my sins.  That was the end of my list.  Now feel free to give me my Penance.”  Before that, my confessions were full of awkward silences, waiting for the priest to ask me, “is that all?” and the old standby, “um…that’s it, Father.”  Not anymore.  A solid, clean way to conclude my confession.  Wonderful.

After you’re done with your “list,” the priest may say a few words or even ask a few questions.  Don’t freak out.  He’s doing this to help you and to try and give you some advice and guidance as a means to avoid those sins in the future.  So listen up.  After that, he will give you some sort of penance, usually a few prayers or some act of service.  It can be anything, really.  Another important thing: be clear on what the priest tells you to do for your penance.  Repeat it back to him, just so you are sure.  If it is something that you feel that you cannot do for whatever reason, then ask the priest for a lighter penance.  (I’ve never had to do this; I have just heard a few priests mention it as an option so I’m passing it onto you).  The reason why this is important is because penance is an important part of our reconciliation.  It is a sin in itself to fail to do our penance.

Step 6: Make your Act of Contrition.  In all honesty, I carried my printed-out version of the Act of Contrition into the confessional with me until I was about 18 years old.  I liked being able to read it, and I felt I prayed it more sincerely when it was in front of me.  This is fine.  Print out an act of contrition to bring into the confessional with you if you want to.  However, it is not even totally necessary to recite the entire “O My God, I am heartily sorry…” Act of Contrition prayer that we often think of in order to make a good confession.  An act of contrition is simply meant to be what it sounds like: some act that shows your contrition (sorrow) for offending God.  A perfectly valid and acceptable act of contrition could be just to simply say, “Jesus, I am sorry for hurting you, and I will try my hardest not to do it again.”  But of course, the other one is beautiful, too.  :)

O, my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended you. I detest all my sins because I dread the loss of Heaven and the pains of Hell, but most of all because they offend you, my God, who are all-good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Your grace, to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin

Step 7: Receive Absolution.  The priest may give you absolution as you are reciting your Act of Contrition, but regardless, this is the point where your sins are forgiven.  Here is what the priest will say (or some variation of it.  The simplest form is “I absolve you”. Oh, and he may be saying it quietly… and/or in Latin):

God the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of your son, you have reconciled the world to yourself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins. Through the ministry of the church, may God grant you pardon and peace. And I absolve you of your sins, in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

This Sacrament is one of the greatest gifts that God has given to the Church, and we would be wise, and so much better off, to frequent it as often as possible.  Happy confessing!

PS – I also really like these 20 quick tips for Making a Good Confession — from a priest!

Posted in Ask Mary, Stuff Catholics Do, You & God

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Breaking Up…With a Friend

Posted on April 12, 2012 by Mary| 2 Comments

I have received a few questions that fall under the category of discerning whether a particular friendship is good for you, and what to do if it isn’t.

We know from Scripture that Christ is pretty clear about loving your neighbor, and even loving and praying for your enemies.  On the one hand, it doesn’t seem like a very “loving” thing to do to just up and cut someone out of your life completely.  At the same time, Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians that, “bad company corrupts good morals,” and furthermore, Jesus says that, “if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off.”

From Paul’s words we hear that we cannot play the, “my friends do bad things but I’m still a good person” card. And Jesus’ command tells us what to do when the inevitable occurs if and when we decide to keep the bad company anyway.

All of that sounds pretty cut and dry in the abstract.  But how do we apply it to our life?  In other words: How do we know if we need to cut a specific relationship out of our life?

For starters, you know that friendship (or friendships) that popped into your head the second you started reading this post?  I’m just guessing here, but they may not be the best people you could be hanging out with…

The way I see it, there is only one reason to cut someone out of your life completely.  “If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off.”  Translation: If you find yourself committing the same sins over and over again every time you hang out with a certain friend or a certain group of people, you need to lose those friends.  And before you accuse me of being judgmental or of advising you to be unnecessarily harsh, hear this: those friends need to lose you, too.

This is a two-way street.  The relationship is mutually detrimental if it leads to sin, no matter who introduced the sin in the first place.  By choosing to walk away, you’re witnessing to the fact that sin is not acceptable, and that leading a holy life pleasing to God is worth any sacrifice.  That is a great act of love, and it is one of the best things you could do for the other person.  Staying in a friendship that centers on or leads to habitual sin is just going to continue to hurt everyone involved, and in a much more profound and potentially permanent way than bruised egos.

So you know you need to distance yourself from a specific person, or group of people.  But it’s much easier said than done, I know.  To help, here are some suggestions.

1. Be honest

Honesty is always, always, always, the best policy.  Explain to your friends that you need some space, and be honest about why.  Don’t blame them (use “I” words, not “you” words).  Say that you’re trying to change ____ in your life, and that you need the space so that you are truly able to do that.

2. Try to Avoid the Last-Minute Promise to Change

It may be that your friend will hear what you’re saying and, in an attempt to keep you in his or her life, will make some sort of gesture to offer to help you beat this.  This could be the most well-intentioned statement, but I would still advise to resolve to some distance.  The reason being: the habits you have formed while hanging out with this friend, or group of friends, may be deeper than you realize.  And despite best intentions to change, if the only thing separating last Friday night from this Friday night is a flimsy agreement to change, it will be all too easy to fall back into not-so-old [bad] habits.  You need the distance.  And, depending on how deep-seated the habits are, you need some drastic change to overcome them.

3. If You’re Convinced Your Friend Just Won’t Understand…

Then you just have to go cold-turkey.  Cut off all communication, even if it has to be without explanation.  Honesty is best, but if the relationship you need out of your life is so destructive that you do not even feel comfortable sharing your true feelings, then maybe they wouldn’t even be heard anyway.  If your friend does care about you, they’ll seek you out and ask you what is going on.  When you’re ready, you can tell them.  If they’re true friends, they’ll understand in that moment.

4. Be Patient (and pray!) for New Friends

The bad news: this may mean your next couple of weekends are kind of boring.  That’s really ok.  Better to experience a little bit of boredom than placing your soul in jeopardy, right?  God knows your struggle, and He’s with you through it.  Finding good friends may not come easy.  It may take an awkward young adult gathering (or 4), or putting yourself out there when it’s uncomfortable, but it will happen.  God knows you need friends, and do not fool yourself into thinking otherwise.  Just be patient in waiting to find the right ones.

5. Look in the Right Places for Friends

It’s kind of like dating.  If you’re looking for a nice Catholic girl, don’t go looking in the bar at 2:00am.  It’s not that you won’t find Catholics who like to have a good time, it’s just that you have a better chance of finding them if you first look for the “Catholic” part of the equation, and then narrow down your options from there.  Likewise, with friends, first look for the ones who are “good”, and then narrow down your options.  So start in places that have a high probability of “good” people, like church, school (the people that actually go every day), or even some sort of extracurricular activity.

 6. Pray for Your Old Friends

It will help you through the lonely times, and the reality is that you will always care about them, even if you don’t speak.  Praying for them is truly the best thing you can do for them and for yourself during this time.  And who knows?  Maybe in the future, after you have both had time to get over your bad habits, God will bring you into each other’s lives again.

Posted in Ask Mary, Dating & Relationships

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Do Boycotts Work?

Posted on April 10, 2012 by Mary| 6 Comments

Most of us know this story.  Back in January, Starbucks issued a statement that said that a core part of their identity as a corporation is to support the redefinition of marriage into one that would include same-sex unions. In more recent news, tens of thousands of people have voiced their decision to “dump Starbucks” as a result, expressing their disapproval of Starbucks’ most recent business decision.  Unfortunately, if this were a numbers game, those tens of thousands of people didn’t quite make the same point that the hundreds of thousands of people did when they thanked Starbucks for taking this stance as a company.

Ok then.  This post isn’t about why I disagree with what Starbucks is doing…mostly because I think that, despite how we may have each reacted to the news, we probably all agree to disagree with Starbucks for choosing to state that the redefinition of marriage is core to who they are as a company (since this is a blog for young Catholics, who are presumably at least trying to live in accordance with the faith).  This post is rather about what the faithful Catholic is called to do in situations like this, as well as what we should try to avoid doing…

“Boycotts Don’t Work”

I know.  If we boycotted every company or organization that had any sort of questionable tie, then we would probably have to grow our own food, make our own clothes, and stop paying taxes.  I know that we can’t control where every dime of money we spend goes (after all, who is to say that the drive-thru cashier, whose paycheck we help supply by being a customer, is not going to use his or her money to do something terrible?).  And no, I do not perform a thorough background check of every single company I ever happen to give money to in order to make sure they won’t misuse my money.  Apparently from this follows that it would be hypocritical of me to ever intentionally decide to withhold money from a corporation over a moral issue.

Still, while it unfortunately may not be practically possible to boycott every company or organization that contradicts our faith, I personally feel that when a company goes so far as to make a public announcement stating that it is core to who they are to advance the goal of something so contradictory to our faith, we don’t have a choice but to respond—and that going on as if nothing happened is in itself a response.  Going on as if nothing happened says that this specific part of our faith—of the truth that ought to transform every part of our being so profoundly that we cannot help but share it— this part of it just isn’t something worth making a fuss about over.

Ok, so we have to respond in some way.  The question is, “how?”  I want to be clear here: Boycotts can be an effective way to get a message across to a company or organization (Need I remind you of Susan G Komen for the Cure who, merely days after cutting funds to Planned Parenthood, crumbled to the masses that boycotted, and tragically reversed their decision?).  HOWEVER, I think that in the excitement and righteous anger that occurs during these boycotts, we as Christians often have this terrible tendency to forget a crucial part of the story: the ending (you know…what we celebrated two days ago and are still celebrating today?).

Spoiler Alert: Jesus wins.  No matter what the petition counts or the voting booths tell us, Jesus wins in the end.  I say this because as terrible as it is to not say anything when your favorite coffee shop decries your faith, it’s almost just as bad when we work ourselves into a frenzy and allow ourselves to be fooled into thinking that such an act is a legitimate threat to our Church or to God Himself.  Jesus has triumphed over death.  I think He can take this one, too.  So, boycott all you wish and encourage others to do the same, but never make the mistake of thinking the battle is anyone’s but the Lord’s (and remember that He already won).  We’re not fighting with other people to win an argument.  We’re allowing Christ to transform lives to win souls.

Now, that doesn’t excuse us from standing up and being heard.  We have a responsibility as Catholics to profess our faith.  That includes professing our faith when it is unpopular and in the face of opposition.  Personally, I chose to respond to Starbucks’ announcement by making the decision to #dumpstarbucks.  I shared a link on my Twitter account inviting others to do the same, and I am writing this post now.  I’m ok with people thinking I’m silly for doing so.  I realize that Starbucks as a company will probably continue to do just fine, and I’m not condemning those I see on the street with Starbucks cups to Hell.  But I know that my response was heard; and I am proud to stand up for Christ and His Church.

Of course, as with anything in my life, it is a work in progress.  What are your thoughts?

Posted in Pop Culture, You & God

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