Monthly Archives: May 2012

Ask Mary: God’s Grace & Past Mistakes

Posted on May 31, 2012 by Mary| 2 Comments

Question: 

I have been struggling lately with my spiritual journey. I have made some awful mistakes in the past, and I am afraid that God is so ashamed with my decisions. I want to go to confession, but I am scared that God is too disappointed in me. I also feel that if I confess my sins the priest will judge my past mistakes. When I think about all of my brokenness, I become nauseous. Do you think I can start over and mend my relationship with God? I feel completely hopeless. Anything will help.

 

 Answer:

I’m very sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time, and I want to assure you of my prayers for you.

The short answer to your question: “Do you think I can start over and mend my relationship with God?”  is a resounding ‘YES!’  And you may not realize this, but God has already started the process.

What you’re experiencing—that sorrowful feeling for offending God in the past, that knowledge of the fact that you need to be reconciled to Him— that is called prevenient grace.  It’s a fancy way of saying that God loves us so much that He will run after us, even after we’ve completely rejected Him and done everything in our power to separate ourselves from His love.

My grandfather once told me that every time we think about God throughout the day, that is God telling us He loves us, and inviting us into conversation with Him.  We can’t think of God unless He first thinks of us.  The very fact that you exist right now is because God is willing you into existence— at this very moment.  He created you for love of you, and nothing you could ever do can change the unchangeable God.

Now, prevenient grace is meant to precede and prepare us for sanctifying grace, which is what we receive in the sacraments.  Particularly, baptized Catholics receive actual grace in the sacrament of reconciliation.  If you’re looking for a way to mend your relationship with God, there is no better way than to be reconciled to Him in the sacrament of reconciliation (see what I did there? :-P ).   If prevenient grace is God calling us to Himself out of love for us, sanctifying grace is God literally pouring out that love upon us.  But you have to first go to confession to get it.

So, none of this nonsense about God being too disappointed in you or too ashamed of you to take you back.  He loves you more than you could ever even want Him to, and He desires your happiness more than you do.  If you don’t believe me, just read the history of the Israelites in the Old Testament and see how many times they screwed up, turned their back on God, worshipped other gods, and still, God was constantly faithful to them.

Come now, let us set things right,
Says the LORD:
Though your sins be like scarlet,
They may become white as snow;
Though they be red like crimson,
They may become white as wool
-Isaiah 1:18

As for the concern about the priest judging you, I know it can be nothing short of terrifying to utter our most shameful sins aloud to a fellow human being and invite commentary on them.  But the good news is that the priest knows this too.  And he’s not there to judge; he’s there to confer absolution, to free you from your sin and guilt (through the power given him by Christ, of course).  That’s why he sits in the confessional week after week, hearing confession after confession.  And believe me, the priest has heard it all.  You’re not going to surprise him with anything you confess (Week after week, and confession after confession, remember?).

But in all the talk about being afraid to confess our sins to another human being, I think too often we overlook one of the best things about confession: we’re confessing our sins to another human being!  It’s not some emotion-less, dry ritual.  It’s real.  It’s one human being to another, talking about what actually matters. What a profound gift!  So don’t be afraid of doing it wrong or anything like that.  If you’re nervous, say so.  If you’re not quite sure how to begin, say so.  The priest wants you to make a good confession, and he is there to help you do that.

The best advice I’ve ever gotten about going to confession was to ask the Blessed Mother to help you make a good confession.  She will.

I’m praying for you.  Please go to confession soon.  Your only regret will be waiting so long.

Out of the depths I call to you, LORD;
Lord, hear my cry!
May your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy
If you, LORD, keep account of sins,
Lord, who can stand
But with you is forgiveness
and so you are revered.

I wait for the LORD,
my soul waits
and I hope for his word
My soul looks for the Lord
more than sentinels for daybreak

More than sentinels for daybreak,
let Israel hope in the LORD,
For with the LORD is mercy,
with him is plenteous redemption,
And he will redeem Israel
from all its sins.

-Psalm 130

PS- Sorry for missing Tuesday’s post!  But it felt like Monday anyway, right? :)

Posted in Ask Mary, Stuff Catholics Do

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The Gift of Shame (And the Habit of Justifying Stupidity)

Posted on May 24, 2012 by Mary| 4 Comments

God is so kind to me.  Knowing that I would suffer from writer’s block today (despite a list of potential blog topics and questions to answer), He nudged a reader to send me this list, knowing it would give me an idea of something to write about.

So thanks for that, God.  (and Joe!) :)

Onto the post:

The aforementioned link is to a list of “25 Things I’ve Learned in My Twenties.”  (If you haven’t figured it out by now, us bloggers like these kinds of “list” posts.  They’re almost as simple to write as they are to read.  Plus, they’re fun!)  Posts like these serve as sort of cautionary lists of advice while at the same time patting the reader on the back, as if to say, ”what you’re going through is completely normal experience.  We’ve all been there (or will be there).  But if you haven’t been there yet, here’s what you can do to make it a little easier on yourself.”

Anyway, a casual glance at the list will likely be enough for you to figure out that I don’t agree with everything on it.  There are things like drugs being normal and fine so long as they’re not negatively affecting you (because hey, drugs can sometimes be a good and productive use of your time, right?), or getting wasted and puking in public (everyone does it, so you should too!), and sleeping around (the solid foundation of any healthy and fulfilling lifestyle).  ”All of these are normal experiences in your twenties, so don’t worry about it,” is the vibe we get from the article.

Okay, fine.  I can’t address every one of these, but the ability to reason that you’ve hopefully developed by the time you’ve hit your twenties ought to be enough to give you a hint that some of the items on this list are not exactly the best advice to be following.

However, in my opinion, number 12 is worth addressing specifically, because I think it’s a lie we might be tempted as young people to tell ourselves quite frequently:

12. You’re going to betray your convictions. You’re going to feel shame. You’re going to continue to put yourself in situations that aren’t good for you. And then, slowly but surely, it will become less frequent. It might not ever go away completely but it won’t be as bad. In the meantime, stop shame spiraling about it. It gets you nowhere.

For starters: Why are we considering it a given that you’re going to betray your convictions?  Sure, we’re all human and we all make mistakes.  We may very well do things that betray our convictions.  But a surefire way to guarantee that happening is to tell yourself that it’s going to.  By definition, if you have convictions, you should be doing everything in your power to keep them.  If you’re not, then they’re not very strong convictions that you have in the first place.  But then again, maybe that’s the author’s point…

...deep, man.

My advice: develop strong convictions before your twenties, so you care so much about them that you wouldn’t dare betray them.

In any case, what he says next is the reason I chose to address this point all on its own:

You’re going to continue to put yourself in situations that aren’t good for you. And then, slowly but surely, it will become less frequent. It might not ever go away completely but it won’t be as bad.

This is just not true.  This is the lie we tell ourselves over and over again so that we won’t feel as bad for doing whatever we’re doing when we know it’s wrong.  “It’s not like I’ll be doing this forever,” we tell ourselves.  But the fact of the matter is: unless you make the conscious decision to stop, and unless you actually make the effort to stop putting yourself in those situations which you recognize are not good for you, then the only thing that will change is that you’ll stop recognizing that the situation is bad for you.

The author even acknowledges this!  “It [the bad that you’re doing] might not ever completely go away,” he says, “but it won’t be as bad.”  Why won’t it be as bad?  What has changed about the situation other than the fact that you’re now more accustomed to putting yourself in a bad situation?  The truth is that it’s still just as bad as it was when you started.  You’ve just (unfortunately) become accustomed to it.

My advice: You might find yourself choosing to place yourself in situations that are bad for you.  Stop it.  Cut it out right now, or you’ll justify it (and other things that are wrong) for the rest of your life.

And praise God when you feel shame for doing something wrong!  It actually does get you somewhere; that’s the point.  You don’t like feeling shame?  Then stop doing whatever you’re doing that’s making you feel shame.  It’s as simple as that.

It’s a sad place to be in when you do something terrible and don’t feel a drop of guilt for it. But regardless of your feelings, if you know you’ve done something wrong, go to confession and then do whatever you can to avoid doing it again.  Making excuses for yourself is what gets you nowhere (except for into deeper problems).

Posted in Other Rants, You & God, Youthful Antics

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Paper Deadline

Posted on May 22, 2012 by Mary| 1 Comment

Writing a paper on the sensus fidelium (which is as fun to say as this paper has been difficult for me to finish), so no post today.

Please enjoy these links to old posts as a token of my apology:

The Problem With Porn

Last Friday Night

Letting Go

 

 

God Bless!

Posted in Other Rants

What Guys are Saying About Those FB Pics…

Posted on May 17, 2012 by Mary| 21 Comments

Before I get into this [again], I’d like to state that I’m really not trying to be dogmatic about this whole bikini thing.  No, there’s no ban on bikinis anywhere in the Catechism, and no, I’m not saying that if you wear one you’re damned to Hell.

However, I got a lot of feedback from women last week who just weren’t all that convinced by my 4 reasons to keep bikini pictures off Facebook (Apparently my word is not law after all…oh well).

So, while recognizing that you’re completely entitled to your own opinion and are free to make your own decisions and all that whatnot, I’d just like all of you ladies to be a tad more informed on what is actually going on in the minds of some of the more outspoken boys (clearly, not men) of the interweb.  In their own words—in response to my bold claim that there actually exist decent men out there who are inclined to hide bikini pictures from their Facebook newsfeeds:

  • “Well I know I hide the bikini shots….saving them is hiding them, right?”
  • “On #2, when they talk about hiding it, does that mean saving it to that special folder on my desktop?”
  • “As if any man would “hide” your bikini body on his newsfeed. Whoever told her that was either lying or gay”
  • “She is kind of right in that some women just want to post pics of a fun day WITMY GURLZ without realizing that dudes will be ogling the **** out of those pics on FB”
  • “Right click + save IS the Hide function, you nitwit!”
  • “75% of men look and 25% lie”
  • “Seriously man who needs porn when Facebook exists” 

And the comment that I found the most disturbing (not to mention misguided, as there have been countless studies showing the negative/addictive effects of pornography):

  • “…my point is that ‘objectifying’ doesn’t really go too far. A man who is mature and smart enough to separate fantasy from reality does no harm in using a random facebook woman to model for his imagination. No harm done in the real world.”

I realize that the Internet has a way of bringing out the creeps, weirdos, and pervs of the world, but keep in mind that Facebook is also a part of the Internet.   To sum all of this up with the words of another male commentator: “I have thought for a long time that if women understood the way men’s brains worked, they wouldn’t dress the way they do.”

And I stand by my statement.  The truly mature and smart men out there (yes, the ones you want to date and be friends with), will not objectify you.  As one such man puts it:

I confess that I am one of those guys who hides the bikini pictures on my Facebook news feed. So what do I think about this? …Guys, ultimately, whatever goes on in your head is your responsibility and that girl on the beach is not making you sin. But…girls…we need help…

Us men have no idea what it’s like to be a woman and to go through the struggles you go through. You do incredible things and we’re kind of left standing around like a bunch of half-witted louts wondering how exactly you girls do what you do. But on the same level of intellectual honesty, you have no idea what it’s like to be a man. And for Christian guys, the struggle of taking dominion over our masculinity is that much harder. Our identity in Christ forms us into men who want to put the Lord first in our lives. But our culture is all about objectifying women and turning them into vehicles for lust. There is tremendous cultural pressure for us to go along with that, and it is a daily battle, nay, a daily war that we fight to keep it at bay. It is the grace of God and nothing else that keeps us pure and waiting on Him.

But sisters, we need help. When we hang out with our Christian sisters, it is a place of safety for us. Or at least it should be. We need to be able to trust that you are going to place your trust in God… just as we fight to protect you. And it is so hard to fight that battle when our Christian sisters are dressing in the same swimsuits that the world finds fashionable. We are fighting to respect you and trust me when I say that those bikinis do not help.

So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, straight from the mouths of men (and boys).  It’s your decision whether or not to listen.

 

Posted in Pop Culture

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Redefining Marriage, and How Stupid I Will Look in 40 Years

Posted on May 15, 2012 by Mary| 68 Comments

I saw this little gem making its rounds in the world of social media last week on the heels of North Carolina’s passage of Amendment One, which defined marriage as being between one man and one woman.

 

Now, I’m not particularly fond of being called “stupid” (whether it be in the past, present, or future tense), so naturally I was a little offended.  Of course, name-calling usually stems from ignorance, so I’d like to take the opportunity to clarify what I believe (and what the Catholic Church teaches) about how gay people ought to be treated.  Brace yourselves.  It’s pretty “out there.”

Are you ready?

Here it is:

“They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity.  Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided”  (CCC 2358)

Crazy, huh?  Yes, the Catechism of the Catholic Church— archaic and backward thinking as it is—actually says that about how Christians are to act towards gay people.  The nerve!

It also says (and we can only assume that Nancy Pelosi just hasn’t read this far…) that marriage is meant for one man and one woman, at which point many cry out “Hypocrites!  That’s unjust discrimination!”

I’d like to here point out, with the help of an image found on the interweb, that same-sex marriage is not an “equal rights” issue:

When it comes down to it, all individuals have the same rights when it comes to marriage.  As crazy as I am about my fiancé, the state isn’t going to recognize our marriage as valid just because we both think the other is super awesome and we love spending time together.  We are free to feel that way and spend all the time we want to together without the consent of the state.  But marriage is about more than feelings, and yes: it is even about more than pledging to live your life with and for another person for as long as you both shall live.  The state has other reasons for recognizing marriage, but I’ll let you research those on your own.

There is no question.  We are called to love one another as God loves us, and to treat everyone we meet with dignity and respect.

Just please: never again use, or accept as sound logic, the argument that denying same-sex couples the right to marry is unjust discrimination.  Regardless of race, religion, or sexual orientation, all individuals have the exact same rights when it comes to marriage in the eyes of the state.  Anyone who says otherwise is simply not thinking logically.

Also, comparing the peaceful protests of the redefinition of marriage to the violent mobs and race riots of the 1960s is as intellectually dishonest as it is offensive—to both African Americans and homosexual persons.

Posted in Dating & Relationships, Other Rants, Pop Culture, Stuff Catholics Do

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