Question:

Hi Mary!
I’m 16, and discerning. At the moment, I feel God wants me as a
sister, but I’m still unsure. There’s a guy I know who has expressed
his interest in me, and I feel the same way. I’ve asked several people
if it would be wrong to date if I felt drawn to the religious life.
They all said it would be perfectly okay, since dating is part of my
discernment. But I feel like dating someone just to see if I have a
vocation to marriage would be using them. No one has given me an
answer about that- would you be able to clarify? Would it be a good
idea to date in high school if I’m in no place to marry soon? I’m
really at odds with both of these questions, and I want to pray and
discern in case the guy asks me out. (Which I’m pretty sure will
happen- he’s making it really obvious he likes me). Thank you so much
for reading, and answering. I love your blog, and what God is doing
with it. Have a blessed day!

Answer:

Hi there! This is a great question!

Something that really helped me with the big discernment question as a young person was learning that the vocation to marriage isn’t discerned in a vacuum.  My theology teacher put it this way: No one is called to “marriage” in the abstract.  God calls you to a specific person!

In this way the call to marriage is similar to the call to religious life.  Religious life, as I’m sure you know, isn’t just a set of rules and disciplines by which you decide to live.  That’s only part of it.  Religious life at its core is a calling to be united to the Person of Jesus Christ here on earth in a uniquely wonderful way.

So the bad news is that unless you’re called to marry this specific guy, you probably still won’t know for certain whether you’ll be called to marriage later in life if the two of you do date and end up breaking up. But this may help you to answer your answer-less question.  I don’t think it is “using” someone if you date him or her and then later decide you’re not called to marry him or her, because all that this means is that you’re not called to that person—not that you won’t be called to marriage with someone else.

I think it’s great that you’re discerning religious life at such a young age.  Have you gone to visit any orders?  Most will offer a “come and see” day or weekend for you to get a feel for what life is like in that specific order.  It’s never a bad idea to check it out, and you’re never too young to “date” Jesus (but remember, not liking one order doesn’t mean you’re not called to another!).

As for dating boys right now, I won’t tell you not to date in high school (that’s your parents’ job!).  I will tell you that I wish I hadn’t.  Not because there was anything wrong with the boys I met, but for precisely what you’ve said: I was nowhere close to being ready for marriage at 16 (despite my dreams of meeting the right guy on the first try and marrying right after high school—a wonderful blessing for those who do meet their spouse young, but unfortunately becoming rarer and rarer as our culture trains us, as well as any prospective mates, to put off growing up until after college).

Realistically, I know it seems crazy to tell a 16 year old with a crush who has mutual feelings for her to “just be friends!” “It can wait!” “If he’s the right one he’ll be around in a few years!” because, honestly, I probably would’ve laughed in the face of that advice at 16.  I had the mindset of: Why wait if there’s a chance that he could be the one?  But really  I think that the better question is: Why rush into anything when there’s a chance that he’s not? 

Statistically speaking, you’re way more likely to break up than you are to get married.  And, on the slight chance that this first guy is the one, that will bring with it its own challenges.  Since marriage would be at the very least a few years off, that’s a few YEARS of struggling to preserve the chastity that single people are called to with someone you love and care for very deeply.  It would be a great struggle.

So ideally, I’d recommend you to put off dating seriously until after high school. Cultivate real friendships instead—with both sexes (but do beware of the unhealthy guy-girl “friendship”).  Hang out in group settings.  Have fun!  There is really no rush to be in a relationship.  Guard your precious and innocent heart and seek to grow in virtue.

If you do decide to date in high school, the rules are the same: guard your precious and innocent heart, and seek to grow in virtue (I recommend putting off serious relationships because these tasks can be much harder for a young person in a romantic relationship).  But there is no sin in dating, so long as you’re making good decisions (Check out my recent post on the “How Far is Too Far” question).  And if you do make a mistake, know that you are still so precious and infinitely valuable in the eyes of your Heavenly Father, and run to confession to accept the love He wants to shower upon you.

I gave you my opinion and my reasons for it.  It’s up to your own prudential judgment to decide what God is asking of you here.  I do know that He loves you very much, and desires your happiness above all else.  Spend time daily in prayer.  Ask Him where to go, and trust in where He leads you.

I will be praying for you!  God Bless!

Question:

If you passionately kiss someone and it means something to you (however you do not want it to go any further), is it still a sin? And can you still go for holy communion if you have done this? Meaning- Is it a mortal sin?

Answer:

Chastity is a difficult task, especially for the unmarried couple in any sort of serious relationship.  Boundaries need to be set, and the biggest question— asked again and again by good Christian men and women seeking to live out God’s plan for their lives— is where to draw the line.  Should we limit our kissing to X amount of time?  Should we kiss at all?  What’s an unmarried Christian couple to do?

I’ve heard chastity speaker after chastity speaker been asked the age-old “How far is too far?” question.  Most approach it in a similar way.  They’ll point out that, when it comes to sin, our question shouldn’t be, “how close can we possibly get to offending God before we absolutely have to go to confession?” This makes sense, and though it’s certainly a valid point to make, I think it can miss an opportunity to give some real practical advice.  Many approach the question by saying, “If your future spouse is on a date with someone else right now, what would you want that person to be doing with your bride/groom?”  This is a little more on the nose, but sadly, young people are well practiced in the art of settling and justifying, and we have trouble imagining that this example could apply even to kissing.

However, as it turns out, a pretty clear line seems to have been drawn already by the Church.

In speaking about unmarried persons in 1666, Pope Alexander VII condemned the statement that a kiss is “merely a venial sin when performed for the sake of the carnal and sensible delight which arises from the kiss, even if the danger of further consent and pollution is excluded.” (emphasis mine) (Taylor Marshall has an old post on this topic where he gives the source of this decree and the Latin)

There’s a great 20-minute homily on this exact question— in which the priest cites Pope Alexander VII and a few others— that you can listen to here.  I highly recommend listening to the whole thing, but here is a succinct and powerful quote from it:

“While speaking about the unmarried, Pope Alexander VII condemned the idea that it is only a venial sin for the unmarried to kiss for the sensual pleasure arising from the kiss, even if there is no danger of further consent and of going even further.  It’s condemned to say that it is only a venial sin for the unmarried to deliberately kiss for the pleasure of kissing.”

Unmarried persons simply don’t have the right to kiss for the sake of sensual pleasure.  And when you really think about it, that actually makes perfect sense.

“This saying is hard; who can accept it?”

I heard this homily and this decree from Pope Alexander VII a while back, and I have been hesitant to write about it.  This is just not the world in which we live.  How can young people not be expected to enjoy kissing for the sake of kissing—especially if it’s someone for whom they care deeply?  I’ve said this before, but this could be cited as one of those reasons why it is perhaps best to postpone dating until you’re at a place in life where marriage isn’t some unattainable goal in the distant future.  Dating should be for the purpose of marriage, and kisses should not be given out carelessly.

Does this mean that it’s a sin to enjoy a kiss with someone to whom you’re not married?  I wouldn’t say so.  It doesn’t necessitate a ban on kissing, and if the thought of kissing the person you’re dating doesn’t sound appealing, then you probably shouldn’t be dating that person in the first place

However, this does seem to imply that if your dates are leaving room for recreational kissing then you might not be in the best of shape.  Perhaps the best practice would be to reserve kissing for greetings and goodbyes.  Remember, this isn’t your spouse.  You have no right to sensual pleasure with them; it’s really as simple as that.

Let’s review the requirements for a sin to be grave and see how we stack up.  A grave (mortal) sin must meet the following three criteria (CCC 1857):

1. The act itself must be grave matter
2. You must know the act is a mortal sin
3. You must freely consent to do it anyway

(1) Pope Alexander VII’s decree leaves no room that I can see for arguing that passionate kissing can be anything less than grave matter.

(2) I’m guessing before this post many of you probably did not know anything about this decree, which means that you did not know passionate kissing was a mortal sin, and therefore are not guilty of mortal sin. (But now that you know, if it happens in the future, you will need to go to confession before receiving Communion)

As with any of the Church’s teachings, you can choose to look at this as something which limits your freedom, or you can see it for what it really is: something that allows you to freely live the call to chastity, to fully possess your dignity, and to freely give yourself totally in love to your future spouse.

My wonderful husband had the fantastic idea of getting off of Facebook for good this past weekend.  Because we’re in the newlywed phase where we still do basically everything together, I of course followed suit (besides, we had decided a while ago that we didn’t want to have Facebook for too long after we were married.  Our first married Holy Week seemed like a good exit time).

Come to find out, logging off could not have come at a better time, as I had forgotten that in God’s all-knowing wisdom, He ordained it that the Supreme Court would be hearing arguments on same sex marriage during HOLY WEEK.  #areyoukiddingme

Of course, my exit from Facebook didn’t completely spare me entry into the social media frenzy that this week’s events created, because somewhere someone decided to share a post I wrote a while ago on the topic.  (But seriously, who doesn’t like waking up to 13 emails of hate-filled comments calling you names for not buying into the popular opinion of the day?  You gotta love tolerance.)

Well, tomorrow it’s the Church’s turn to put on the color red—not in the name of some political ideology of the day— but for the blood that was shed by Our Savior over 2,000 years ago.

On trial before Pilate, Jesus didn’t take to prideful defense of the truth that he knew was on his side.  He didn’t turn to insulting or sarcastic remarks (though surely many could have been made).  He wasn’t interested in proving himself right.  His only aim was to love, and he showed that love through shedding his blood for us.

I won’t pretend to know why God decided to place the Supreme Court events of this week during Holy Week, in which our eyes are supposed to be fixed on Jesus’ Passion and Death.  Maybe it’s all just one big coincidence.  But maybe—just maybe— God is reminding us what true victory looks like.  Salvation history tells us that true victory is won through the cross.

Let’s enter into the mystery of Jesus’ passion, death, and resurrection over these next three days.  What better way than to participate in the Paschal Triduum?

A few weeks back, Marc over at Bad Catholic wrote a great little piece about so-called “Christian Music” (in typical Bad Catholic form, the post is entitled, “5 Reasons to Kill Christian Music,” I certainly recommend a read).

In it, he made the point that labeling a music genre “Christian” reduces Christianity into a modifying adjective, when in fact Christianity is reality. Amen to that.

Marc’s post made a lot of good points (and I am certainly happy that more and more Christians are standing up and saying that a Gospel-themed message is no excuse for poor art).  Still…I was raised on Christian music. I grew up listening to radio stations like K-Love. So I feel somewhat compelled to write a defense of the music that so defined my adolescence, and the music I still often enjoy listening to.

It seems to me that a lot of people view the “Christian music” genre as some sort of sneaky attempt to fool people into thinking that we Christians can be just as cool as the rest of the “rock ‘n roll” scene. But this was never the way it was presented to me; or at least it was never the way that I viewed Christian music. Growing up, I listened to music that was specifically about my faith because I enjoyed celebrating my faith. I like Jesus! And goshdarnit, sometimes I enjoy singing about that fact. Specifically.

I also like eternal truths that transcend music genres. I like the theme of longing for something greater than ourselves. I like the theme of recognizing our fallen state and confessing our faults in humility. I like the theme of unconditional love. All of these are undeniably Christian themes and all of these are undeniably found in so-called “secular” music.

My point is that this doesn’t have to be a question of either Christian music or mainstream-music-with-Christian-themes. Embrace the wisdom and beauty of “both/and.” As a child, I mostly listened to music that fell within the “Christian” genre. As I grew up, I still listened to that music, but like any young adult I branched out a little as well. What I love is that I’ve often found truth and beauty in both (even though both sides have definitely had their share of awful music).

So let’s not destroy Christian music. Let’s just destroy bad music. If it’s not promoting the truth and/or it’s not beautiful, it’s not befitting of our dignity as children of God.

Lent is officially underway.  I pray yours is going well!

I’m not going to tell you what I’m doing for lent this year, and I’m going to forgo the obligatory post detailing a bunch of tips for your lent.  It’s not because I don’t care about your soul (I really do!); it’s because if you’re anything like me, the rise of social media has meant that for the past couple of weeks your Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram feeds have all been full of well meaning tips on how to make this the “BEST LENT EVER!!!!”

It’s all just a little too overwhelming for me.  One article tells me it’s no longer enough to just give something up.  Another gives me a forty-day guide for spiritual growth, and by the end of my day of reading all of these tips, I’ve made 60 impractical resolutions and decided I’m taking up residence in my church’s adoration chapel until Easter.  And that’s only until I see the next three articles that go up tomorrow.

I get that Lent’s not about “succeeding,” but it is about your relationship with Jesus.  So the only advice you’re getting from me this year is to do what Jesus wants you to do.  It may not be the same as what “so-and-so” suggests, even if “so-and-so” is the holiest person you know.

Also, if you haven’t seen this yet, Stephen Colbert defended the Real Presence of the Eucharist on the Colbert Report this week.  Even though I think it’s lame that he had to plug a stupid book to do so, it’s still pretty good stuff.