Category Archives: Dating & Relationships

Ask Mary: Dating and Discernment

Posted on May 7, 2013 by Mary| 5 Comments

Question:

Hi Mary!
I’m 16, and discerning. At the moment, I feel God wants me as a
sister, but I’m still unsure. There’s a guy I know who has expressed
his interest in me, and I feel the same way. I’ve asked several people
if it would be wrong to date if I felt drawn to the religious life.
They all said it would be perfectly okay, since dating is part of my
discernment. But I feel like dating someone just to see if I have a
vocation to marriage would be using them. No one has given me an
answer about that- would you be able to clarify? Would it be a good
idea to date in high school if I’m in no place to marry soon? I’m
really at odds with both of these questions, and I want to pray and
discern in case the guy asks me out. (Which I’m pretty sure will
happen- he’s making it really obvious he likes me). Thank you so much
for reading, and answering. I love your blog, and what God is doing
with it. Have a blessed day!

Answer:

Hi there! This is a great question!

Something that really helped me with the big discernment question as a young person was learning that the vocation to marriage isn’t discerned in a vacuum.  My theology teacher put it this way: No one is called to “marriage” in the abstract.  God calls you to a specific person!

In this way the call to marriage is similar to the call to religious life.  Religious life, as I’m sure you know, isn’t just a set of rules and disciplines by which you decide to live.  That’s only part of it.  Religious life at its core is a calling to be united to the Person of Jesus Christ here on earth in a uniquely wonderful way.

So the bad news is that unless you’re called to marry this specific guy, you probably still won’t know for certain whether you’ll be called to marriage later in life if the two of you do date and end up breaking up. But this may help you to answer your answer-less question.  I don’t think it is “using” someone if you date him or her and then later decide you’re not called to marry him or her, because all that this means is that you’re not called to that person—not that you won’t be called to marriage with someone else.

I think it’s great that you’re discerning religious life at such a young age.  Have you gone to visit any orders?  Most will offer a “come and see” day or weekend for you to get a feel for what life is like in that specific order.  It’s never a bad idea to check it out, and you’re never too young to “date” Jesus :) (but remember, not liking one order doesn’t mean you’re not called to another!).

As for dating boys right now, I won’t tell you not to date in high school (that’s your parents’ job!).  I will tell you that I wish I hadn’t.  Not because there was anything wrong with the boys I met, but for precisely what you’ve said: I was nowhere close to being ready for marriage at 16 (despite my dreams of meeting the right guy on the first try and marrying right after high school—a wonderful blessing for those who do meet their spouse young, but unfortunately becoming rarer and rarer as our culture trains us, as well as any prospective mates, to put off growing up until after college).

Realistically, I know it seems crazy to tell a 16 year old with a crush who has mutual feelings for her to “just be friends!” “It can wait!” “If he’s the right one he’ll be around in a few years!” because, honestly, I probably would’ve laughed in the face of that advice at 16.  I had the mindset of: Why wait if there’s a chance that he could be the one?  But really  I think that the better question is: Why rush into anything when there’s a chance that he’s not? 

Statistically speaking, you’re way more likely to break up than you are to get married.  And, on the slight chance that this first guy is the one, that will bring with it its own challenges.  Since marriage would be at the very least a few years off, that’s a few YEARS of struggling to preserve the chastity that single people are called to with someone you love and care for very deeply.  It would be a great struggle.

So ideally, I’d recommend you to put off dating seriously until after high school. Cultivate real friendships instead—with both sexes (but do beware of the unhealthy guy-girl “friendship”).  Hang out in group settings.  Have fun!  There is really no rush to be in a relationship.  Guard your precious and innocent heart and seek to grow in virtue.

If you do decide to date in high school, the rules are the same: guard your precious and innocent heart, and seek to grow in virtue (I recommend putting off serious relationships because these tasks can be much harder for a young person in a romantic relationship).  But there is no sin in dating, so long as you’re making good decisions (Check out my recent post on the “How Far is Too Far” question).  And if you do make a mistake, know that you are still so precious and infinitely valuable in the eyes of your Heavenly Father, and run to confession to accept the love He wants to shower upon you.

I gave you my opinion and my reasons for it.  It’s up to your own prudential judgment to decide what God is asking of you here.  I do know that He loves you very much, and desires your happiness above all else.  Spend time daily in prayer.  Ask Him where to go, and trust in where He leads you.

I will be praying for you!  God Bless!

mary-sig

 

 

Posted in Ask Mary, Dating & Relationships

Ask Mary: “How Far is Too Far?” The Church Has A Really Practical Answer!

Posted on April 11, 2013 by Mary| 10 Comments

Question:

If you passionately kiss someone and it means something to you (however you do not want it to go any further), is it still a sin? And can you still go for holy communion if you have done this? Meaning- Is it a mortal sin?

Answer:

Chastity is a difficult task, especially for the unmarried couple in any sort of serious relationship.  Boundaries need to be set, and the biggest question— asked again and again by good Christian men and women seeking to live out God’s plan for their lives— is where to draw the line.  Should we limit our kissing to X amount of time?  Should we kiss at all?  What’s an unmarried Christian couple to do?

I’ve heard chastity speaker after chastity speaker been asked the age-old “How far is too far?” question.  Most approach it in a similar way.  They’ll point out that, when it comes to sin, our question shouldn’t be, “how close can we possibly get to offending God before we absolutely have to go to confession?” This makes sense, and though it’s certainly a valid point to make, I think it can miss an opportunity to give some real practical advice.  Many approach the question by saying, “If your future spouse is on a date with someone else right now, what would you want that person to be doing with your bride/groom?”  This is a little more on the nose, but sadly, young people are well practiced in the art of settling and justifying, and we have trouble imagining that this example could apply even to kissing.

However, as it turns out, a pretty clear line seems to have been drawn already by the Church.

In speaking about unmarried persons in 1666, Pope Alexander VII condemned the statement that a kiss is “merely a venial sin when performed for the sake of the carnal and sensible delight which arises from the kiss, even if the danger of further consent and pollution is excluded.” (emphasis mine) (Taylor Marshall has an old post on this topic where he gives the source of this decree and the Latin)

There’s a great 20-minute homily on this exact question— in which the priest cites Pope Alexander VII and a few others— that you can listen to here.  I highly recommend listening to the whole thing, but here is a succinct and powerful quote from it:

“While speaking about the unmarried, Pope Alexander VII condemned the idea that it is only a venial sin for the unmarried to kiss for the sensual pleasure arising from the kiss, even if there is no danger of further consent and of going even further.  It’s condemned to say that it is only a venial sin for the unmarried to deliberately kiss for the pleasure of kissing.”

Unmarried persons simply don’t have the right to kiss for the sake of sensual pleasure.  And when you really think about it, that actually makes perfect sense.

“This saying is hard; who can accept it?”

I heard this homily and this decree from Pope Alexander VII a while back, and I have been hesitant to write about it.  This is just not the world in which we live.  How can young people not be expected to enjoy kissing for the sake of kissing—especially if it’s someone for whom they care deeply?  I’ve said this before, but this could be cited as one of those reasons why it is perhaps best to postpone dating until you’re at a place in life where marriage isn’t some unattainable goal in the distant future.  Dating should be for the purpose of marriage, and kisses should not be given out carelessly.

Does this mean that it’s a sin to enjoy a kiss with someone to whom you’re not married?  I wouldn’t say so.  It doesn’t necessitate a ban on kissing, and if the thought of kissing the person you’re dating doesn’t sound appealing, then you probably shouldn’t be dating that person in the first place :P

However, this does seem to imply that if your dates are leaving room for recreational kissing then you might not be in the best of shape.  Perhaps the best practice would be to reserve kissing for greetings and goodbyes.  Remember, this isn’t your spouse.  You have no right to sensual pleasure with them; it’s really as simple as that.

Let’s review the requirements for a sin to be grave and see how we stack up.  A grave (mortal) sin must meet the following three criteria (CCC 1857):

  1. The act itself must be grave matter
  2. You must know the act is a mortal sin
  3. You must freely consent to do it anyway

(1) Pope Alexander VII’s decree leaves no room that I can see for arguing that passionate kissing can be anything less than grave matter.

(2) I’m guessing before this post many of you probably did not know anything about this decree, which means that you did not know passionate kissing was a mortal sin, and therefore are not guilty of mortal sin. (But now that you know, if it happens in the future, you will need to go to confession before receiving Communion)

As with any of the Church’s teachings, you can choose to look at this as something which limits your freedom, or you can see it for what it really is: something that allows you to freely live the call to chastity, to fully possess your dignity, and to freely give yourself totally in love to your future spouse.

mary-sig

Posted in Ask Mary, Dating & Relationships

The End of The World As We Know It

Posted on August 14, 2012 by Mary| 2 Comments

I really, really hope the Mayans were wrong.

The Mayans.  You know.  They are the reason people are all freaked out about December 21, 2012: the supposed end of the Mayan calendar, which supposedly equals the cataclysmic destruction of the world as we know it.

Truthfully, I haven’t looked into the theory a whole lot.  I usually don’t get too excited about these end of the world claims, because I figure Jesus told us to be ready at any moment so there’s no use to pick a particular day about which to get all worked up.

But still, I can’t help but pray for any day but December 21, 2012.

Why?  Well, because I happened to be getting married on December 22, 2012.  And the world ending the day before would sort of put a damper on the whole occasion.

Of course, I’m really not too worried about it.  Chances are, the world will keep spinning, I’ll get to walk down the aisle, and 25 years from now it will be my own daughter freaking out about the world ending the day before her wedding because of some new crazy theory about which people are publishing books and making movies.  Life is fun like that.

However, I can’t help but see a gentle reminder from God in the midst of all of this craziness.  When planning a wedding (or when looking forward to any major life event), it can be really easy to become so swept up in the anticipation that you don’t always see the bigger picture.  I can’t even begin to describe how excited I am to become Tyler’s wife.  But ultimately, we’re both called to such a greater marriage feast than the one we’ll be having in December (even though that one is going to be so stinkin’ amazing :-P )  When it comes right down to it, we’re called to Heaven; into the presence of God Himself.  What could merit greater excitement or anticipation than that?!

So I ask that you pray for me and Tyler in these months leading up to the wedding; that we never lose sight of our ultimate goal, and that in our life together we live out our vocation in helping one another become saints.

But also…that the Mayans were wrong, and the world holds out at least until the 23rd.  :)

PS – Tomorrow is a Holy Day of Obligation (the Assumption of Mary).  Make plans to get to mass!

Posted in Dating & Relationships, Stuff Catholics Do, Youthful Antics

How to Tell if You’ve Got a Good Friend

Posted on July 3, 2012 by Mary| 4 Comments

To tell the truth, I haven’t always been the best at being a friend.  I even used to think that I could get by without really having close friends at all.  I enjoy time to myself, and close relationships are kind of scary, so it was easy to tell myself I could do without close friendships.  But experience (and Philosophy class) has taught me otherwise.  We need friends in our lives.  Most people seem to know that this is true, but fewer people really understand the reason why.

Friends are there to help us become better people.  They do this by helping us think clearly.  The true friend knows who we are; he understands the way we think, and so he is able to help us come to conclusions we could not see on our own.

In a way, this is contrary to what a lot of people my age seem to think about friends.  We think friends are there to “watch our back” or to save us from our boredom.  In reality, a lot of our “friendships” do the exact opposite of helping us think clearly.

I have had my share of both good and bad friendships, so I thought I would draw from my own experience and put together a list of some of the qualities I have found to be most necessary in a true friend (and most lacking in a bad friend).

1.)  The true friend talks to you about things that matter

Talking about the weather is nice, and I love a good conversation about my favorite TV shows, but these aren’t the conversations I most look forward to having with my friends.  My closest friends are the people I can talk to seriously about what my goals for the future are, what I am struggling with, or go to for advice on any number of topics.  We may joke around and talk about trivial things at times as well, but a real friend tends to elevate the conversation.

2.)  A friend has no problem calling you out

I am the biggest baby when it comes to any type of criticism.  My feelings get hurt and I may become upset and defensive with the person giving the feedback, but this doesn’t stop my closest friends from calling it like they see it.  Despite how I may initially react, I am so thankful for this.  The real friend isn’t worried about hurting your ego a little bit if it means you seeing the truth.

3.)  Friends don’t ask or expect you to lie for their sake

Sometimes it takes losing a relationship in order to be a real friend.  The true friend won’t agree to lie in order to cover for someone else, even if asked.  Lying is damaging to us on so many levels.  The truth always comes out eventually, and a lot of hurt can usually be avoided if it comes out sooner rather than later.

4.)  Finally, the true friend is striving to be a good person himself

You can’t expect someone to be a good friend if they are not a good person.  The true friend will help you become a better person, so it follows that someone who is not a good person already can’t help you to become one yourself.  Friendships involve a give and take.  We both learn from our friends as well as teach them.  Make sure you are learning from teachers who know what they are talking about.

Getting Rid of a Bad Friend:

So what do you do if you find yourself in a friendship that is not good for you?  You run.

Aristotle says that getting rid of a bad friend is like getting rid of a bad habit.  And anyone who has tried knows that getting rid of a bad habit is extremely difficult.  In a similar way, getting rid of a friendship, especially one that has been a part of us for so long, can feel as excruciating as cutting off an arm that has been infected with gangrene.   But you really have no other option.  If you don’t amputate, the infection will spread throughout the whole body and eventually will cost you your life.

Finding a Good Friend:

Also as with habits, it is not enough to simply try and get rid of the bad friendship.  You have to replace it with a good friendship.  Otherwise, you will fall back into the old one.  We have to be picky about choosing our friends.  We can’t be so naive as to think the people we spend our time with have no effect on us.  So in choosing your friends, look for people who have the characteristics described above.  Look for people who challenge you to be a better person.

(if this post was familiar it’s because it was originally posted on January 25, 2011)

Posted in Dating & Relationships

Tagged , , ,

Yep, He’s a Keeper.

Posted on June 29, 2012 by Mary| 6 Comments

As per the graduation requirements for my MA in Biblical theology, I have been teaching a Bible Study at a local parish for the past few weeks.  It has been interesting, nerve-racking, and all around a great learning experience (not to mention somewhat exciting to realize that hey—I actually have learned a thing or two over the past year that didn’t leave my brain during post-finals hibernations).

Now as I said, I’ve been teaching the study for a few weeks now, but last night’s class was the first time that my fiancé came.  Actually…last night’s study was the first time that I let my fiancé come.

Something you may or may not know about me: I get very nervous and uncomfortable speaking in public.  Presentations in front of the classroom were pretty much my worst nightmare in school.  I realize this isn’t that unique of a trait, but it’s still mine.  I’m shy.  The thought of being the one leading a Bible study was scary enough, but at least if I tanked—I thought—I’ve really lost nothing, because the people in the class don’t really know me anyway.  Making a fool of myself in front of my fiancé was a completely different story.  So I just wanted a couple of practice rounds to get my feet wet and really see what it was all about before I let him come.

So after a few weeks of Tyler-less Bible studies, I finally let him come.  It wasn’t really that I thought I was ready or that I was all that fantastic of a teacher so much as it was that I just missed him and wanted him there.   I was pretty nervous, and found myself wondering on the drive over if I had made a mistake in asking him to come.  But then something crazy happened.

I was myself!

I was more myself in last night’s study than in the previous weeks combined.  I was more relaxed, more confident, and found myself stumbling over my words less.  It was as if Tyler was the thing that was missing the whole time—the secret ingredient to my teaching comfortably.  And then on the car ride back to my place, something cool happened again.  I actually had someone to talk to about how the Bible study went.  And surprisingly, I wasn’t too embarrassed to do so.

All this to say: I’m an idiot.  Also, the people closest to you in life are a really important asset to who you are—even if you don’t realize it yet.  So don’t try and keep them at arms length.  When you finally let do them into the most nerve-racking and scary moments of your life, you’ll just end up kicking yourself for waiting so long to do so.

Speaking of public speaking, I have TWO talks to give next week.  Please pray for me!  (But you can bet I’ll be bringing my secret weapon with me this time :) )

(cary pennington photography)

Posted in Dating & Relationships, You & God, Youthful Antics